5 things I've learned in the past month

By Just Ajda - 6.2.18


En mesec je že, odkar te ni. Še zmeraj se nisem navadila. Vem, da nikoli več ne bo kot je bilo. Veš, v tem mesecu sem ogromno delala na sebi. Razmišljala, brala, jokala in se pogovarjala. Sčasoma sem prišla do kar nekaj pomembnih spoznanj. Tukaj sem jih zbrala skupaj, v eno objavo, za vse, ki nam je, in za vse tiste, ki jim še bo hudo. 
It's been a month since you are gone. I am still not used to it. I know it'll never be the way it was. You see, I've been working a lot on myself in this past month. I was thinking, reading, crying and talking. I've come to a few important conclusions. I've gathered them here, in a post, for all of us that are hurting and for all of those that will be hurting in the future.


1.) BOLI. In to je okej.
S smrtjo bližnje osebe se začne bolečina. Na začetku je bolelo tako hudo, da včasih nisem mogla dihat. Sovražila sem to bolečino, nisem je želela sprejeti in tako samo poslabševala vse skupaj. Potem pa sem spoznala, da je prav tako. Da mora boleti. Da lahko prebolim in grem dalje. Ta moja bolečina je vsa ljubezen, ki je več ne morem dati. In sprejela sem jo, živim z njo in zdaj lažje diham. In vem, da bo vsak dan lažje. 
1.) IT HURTS. And that's okay. 
With loosing someone close to you comes pain. At the begining it hurt so much, I couldn't even breath. I hated this pain, I didn't want to accept it and I've only made it worse. And then I realised this is the right thing. It is supposed to hurt. So I can get over it and move on. This pain I'm feeling is all the pain I can't give anymore. And I've accepted it and now it's easier to breath. And I know it'll get easier every day.

2.)VSAK ŽALUJE PO SVOJE. Če bi to zato lažje, naredi!
Vsak človek žaluje po svoje. In nobeno žalovanje ni napačno. Ne obsojat nekoga, ker žaluje drugače kot ti. Če je njemu zato lažje, mu pusti. Naj živi s svojo bolečino na svoj način. Lahko mu samo pomagaš, da mu stojiš ob strani. Ni potrebe po razlaganju, kaj naj naredi ali kako naj živi naprej. Zato tudi vsak izreče sožalje po svoje. Mene je bilo grozno strah teh sožalij. Ker mi ne paše, jih ne rabim, to ni zame. Hvaležna sem partnerju, da mi je pomagal razumet, da vsi, ki pridejo, mislijo samo dobro. In rečejo tisto, kar bi njim v tistem trenutku pomagalo. 
2.) EVERYONE GRIEVES IN THEIR OWN WAY. If you'll feel better, just do it!
Every person grieves differently. And no mourning is the wrong kind. Don't judge someone just because they don't grieve the same way as you do. If it makes it easier for them, let them be. Let them live with their won pain in their own way. You can only help with by being by their side. No need to be smarty pants and telling people what to do and how to live. This is also the reason why everyone express their condolences in their own way. I was terrified of condolences. Because it's not my thing, I don't feel them and I don't need them. I am grateful to my partner who helped me understand that everyone that came and expressed them to me, only ment the best. And they said what would help them if they were in my situation.

3.)ENKRAT BO BOLJE. Ni pomembno, kdaj.
Vsak tudi potrebuje svoj čas. Eni grejo z življenjem takoj naprej, spet drugi potrebujejo nekaj časa, da lahko nadaljujejo s svojim življenjem. Hvaležna sem vsem okoli sebe, da so mi dali čas, ki sem ga potrebovala, da sem šla dalje. Da sem se zmenila sama s sabo, da bo bolje. Da sem začela verjeti v to. Ker na začetku te tisti šok spodnese. Ne veš, kam, kako, zakaj in ne znaš si predstavljati, da pa moraš zdaj nadaljevati z življenjem. Ampak potem začneš vsak dan znova. In preživiš vsak dan znova. In ugotoviš, da gre tudi tvoje življenje naprej.
3.) IT'LL GET BETTER. It doesn't matter when.
Everyone need their time when grieving. Some people go on with their lives right away and some need a bit more time for that. I am thankful that people around me gave me my time I needed to process and to move on. So I was able to have a word with myself and let me know it'll be better. So I also started believing that. Because in the beginning the shock sweeps you off your feet. You don't know where, how, why and you cannot imagine your life has to continue. But then you start each day from the start. You survive each day, one day at a time. And suddenly you realise, live does go on.

4.) VESELJE JE DOVOLJENO. Nihče te ne bo obsojal, če se zasmeješ.
Na začetku sem se za vsak nasmeh, vsak drobec veselja, počutila krivo. Ker, kako se lahko zdaj smejem in veselim?!? Priznam, tega sem se najtežje naučila. Seveda sem se smejala in kdaj tudi veselila, ampak, in tole s težkim srcem priznam, sem se dolgo čutila krivo zaradi tega. Ampak jaz nisem bila narejena za slabo voljo, jaz se rada veselim, in počasi sem spoznala, da s tem ni nič narobe. Seveda nisem neprestano vesela, še zmeraj pridejo trenutki, ko me dotolče in se zjočem. Ampak svoje življenje želim živet z nasmeškom na obrazu.
4.) BEING HAPPY IS ALLOWED. And no one will judge you if you laugh.
From the begining I was felling guilty everytime I smiled or felt happy. How can I laugh and be happy right now?!? This was the hardest lesson for me. Of course I did smile, laugh and was happy, but , as hard as it is to admit, I was feeling really guilty because of it. But I wasn't made for being in a bad mood, I love to be happy and slowly came the realisation, there is nothing wrong with that. Of course I am not happy all the time and there are moments when I feel down and I cry. But I wish to live my life with a smile on my face.

5.) POGOVOR POMAGA. Ampak včasih paše tudi tišina.
Na začetku se mi je bilo zelo težko pogovarjat. Oddaljila sem se od ljudi okoli sebe, nisem želela prave družbe. Bala sem se pogovorov o mami, nisem pa si znala predstavljat pogovora, ki ni bil o njej. Potem pa sem ugotovila, da pravzaprav paše se družit z ljudmi, ki govorijo o drugih stvareh. In se pogovarjat o mami z ljudmi, ki so jo poznali. In se z ljudmi, ki so jo poznali, pogovarjat o drugih stvarih. In včasih pozabit na vse skupaj in se samo pogovarjat. O službi, otrocih, skupnih(ali pa ne) interesih, poslušat o težavah drugih in nasplošno, živet. In vesela sem, da imam ob sebi(tudi v blogerskih vodah) ljudi, ki so se mi ponudili za poslušalce, če bom to želela. In da imam ob sebi ljudi, ki so razumeli, kaj želim kdaj povedat, se pogovarjali z mano, me mirili, tolažili in se spominjali z mano. In da so ob meni takšni, ki so razumeli, da včasih ne zmorem besed in rabim samo tišino!
5.) TALKING HELPS. And sometimes silence is the key.
It was hard for me to have a conversation. I put a distance between me and people around me. I just didn't want any company. I was afraid of talking about my mother and I couldn't imagine a conversation not being about her. After a while I realised, it feels good having a company of people that talk about other stuff. And to talk with people that knew my mother about her. And to talk with people that knew my mother about other stuff. And sometimes forget about everything and just talk. About work, kids, mutual (or not) interests, other people's problems and just live. And I am happy to have so many people (also in blogger circles) around me, that offered to listen to me, if I'll need it. And I am happy I have people around me that understood me, knew what I wanted to say, talked to me, calmed me down, soothed me and remembered her with me. And that there are people around me that understood that sometimes I can't talk and all I need is silence!


En velik HVALA vsakemu! Vsakemu izmed vas, ki se je v tem zadnjem mesecu ustavil, da mi je napisal lepo misel, da se je spomnil name, mi izrekel sožalje, poslal objem ali pa mi enostavno dal vedeti, da misli name!
One big THANK YOU to everyone! Each and everyone of you that took the time in the past month to write to me, that remembered me, offered their condolances, send me a hug or just let me know they are thinking of me!


In, zato, mami, vidiš, bom okej. Čeprav te več ni, nisem sama. In nisem osamljena. Ja, pogrešam te, ampak bom zmogla. In bom preživela. S spominom nate!
You see, mom, I'll be okay. Even though you are gone, I am not alone. And I am not lonely. Yes, I miss you, but I can manage. I will survive. And I'll keep remembering you!

Xoxo, A.

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1 komentarji

  1. Drago moje dete
    Zelo lepe, pogumne in tudi pravilne odločitve in ugotovitve. Mislim, da tvoja mama ne bi in tudi ni pričakovala nič drugega. Da bo ostala v tvojem in moje srcu in spominu pa je tako in tako jasno, takšna kakšna je bila je enostavno ni mogoče pozabiti in nehati imeti rad.
    Uživaj v sedanjosti in bodočnosti, preteklost pa prepusti spominom.
    Rad te imam.
    Ati

    OdgovoriIzbriši

Each and every comment is appreciated and read =) Spam links will be deleted.
Xoxo, A.

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